There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
