we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Rumble strips road head = magical
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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