what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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