he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
