I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize