can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
