why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
