that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize