Nicole vs. Life
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize