did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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