she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
