I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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