Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
