You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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