i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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