just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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