I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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