Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
