Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
