Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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