im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel great
I just peed on a car
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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