I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
