He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
