o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
