I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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