Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
