dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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