I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
