Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
