You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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