So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
