Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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