My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
