how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
