Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
