This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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