I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
