Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
