Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
