I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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