I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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