Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
