oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
