are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
