dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
