Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
