Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
