I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
