Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
