some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
