My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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