and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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