I wanna bring you to show and tell
i think i have herpe
just one?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
