Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
