Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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